Attachment. 

I did say I'll address it.
HAHA.
Yes I'm alone.
Not surprising anyway.

I guess my priorities now isn't getting a partner.
I feel it isn't a necessity to have one. 
But rather a want these days.
I can't say I have experience.
Hence I can't give the best advice to others.
But I've seen so many, heard so many.
I know a couple of things of my own.

At this stage, people my age.
We say we're serious about things. 
But really, we're just trying. 
We're in the midst of ending our teenage years.
And entering the uncharted territories of adulthood.
We're not certain about anything. 
Because we're in the trial period of life.
How can we say for sure we're serious?
How can we promise that he/she is the only one?

Like I said, we're uncertain.
Promises made will be promises broken.

And of course, perhaps wanting a relationship.
Is not what it seem.
Unknowingly it's a trophy we want.
Because in this day and age, 
We instagram, we tweet, we post.
Everyone else has a picture of a significant other.
Everyone else has someone to listen to.
Everyone else isn't alone.

And so people scramble.
Without really knowing each other.
And perhaps some attraction and infatuation.
They get into a relationship.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm in a westernized but still very much Asian city.
We have a similar generalized system.
How?

Here, we don't exactly date.
We text, we flirt, we go out.
But that's not dating. We usually know the other.
And I wouldn't call it in a friend zone either. 
But once there's infatuation, 
BAM!
Relationship status update.

Then honeymoon phase comes.
The phase with excessive emojis.
Yeah. The excessive texts comes with it too. 
Infatuation is still going strong. 
And time is mostly spent on each other.

Soon arrives the trying times of the couple.
The relationship starts to slow down a bit.
And more space is given between each other.
And what I mean by space is,
Spending time away from each other,
With other people.
Bros, friends whatever.

And tolerance is here!
They learn things about each other.
Good and usually the bad.
And infatuation fades into what I call tolerance.

Some may stay that way. Some may grow stronger.
But sometimes, we know it ends.
Because the patience test begins.
Where jealously can be alive and kicking.
Sometimes literally.
And arguments happen.

Eventually the fine line wears off.
And they could go back to tolerating each other.
With a bit of time off.
Or they could never go back again.

Sometimes. I feel like this whole relationship thing.
Is like a tolerance and patience test.
And I never call it love. Because from what I see usually,
It's infatuation, then patience.
Love is a rarity. Even if spoken or written many times.
Or I like to picture it as this.
Like we have skinny and curvy and fit bodies.
And then we have the photoshopped/plastic so called perfect body.
With all three of the characteristics.
It can also be natural. But we all know it's rare.

I'll like to think love is that. The so called perfection we want.
And what some people think they have. 
And what some people think they need. 
Something that is hard to achieve.

And this is part of the reason why I have commitment issues.
I have liked people enough to know a fair share.
And because the above content is my belief,
I lost it. I couldn't like someone like how they felt about me.
It wasn't because of the lack of feelings.
It was because of the lack of shared mentality.

You can say my mentality can be changed.
As I mature.
But what if it stuck with you all along. 
Even in childhood?
Maybe you wouldn't have much to say would you?

Because at the end of the day, it's perspective.
It's experience.
It's memories.
That build our mentality this way.
And that's how I was built that way. 
Cold and stubborn.
Cynical to anyone who tells me their love story.

But I wouldn't rule love out.
In my opinion, the person I will love,
And love me,
Will either change my mentality,
Or share my mentality.
It'll be extremely rare. 

So I'm staying alone for now.
Because I'm a stubborn, cold soul.
But a delicate heart.
And because it is not necessary,
Not a given rule,
Not a must,
That I need a partner to live a good life.

Because *I* live my life.
And I want to live differently for now.

Is not needed.

A Fact.

Did say I'll try blogging again.
I'll like to view this as a diary.
A diary I'm not afraid to show. 

I hear my ex-classmates on their respective internship.
And it pains me because I fell ill.
And for that I'll have to start with a new class.
It's like enrollment all over again.

On the bright side after my internship,
Possibly starting September or August,
I'll be able to graduate instead of coming back
To school.

But at this point,
A third year student,
I'm still lost.
Really, what do I want to do in life?

I'm not certain if I want to continue in Tourism.
Or even business related.

But I won't view it as a mistake. 
I'll view it as a learning experience.
Because life throws you all sorts of shit.
Believe me I've been through a couple of my own. 
And I'm sure everyone else has too.

But what makes the difference is how we view
Our decisions.
Choices.
And perhaps make a difference in how our lives eventually roll out.

Bah. I'm getting all faux philosopher here.
Pardon my ignorance.
I am after all coming to 19 only.
And I'm still very much alone.

I'll address that in my next post.

I think I may try changing my layout a bit.
And I can't promise myself daily entries.
Especially since school's starting next week.
Maybe monthly updates?
Perhaps I can look back on this.
Yeah. Maybe.

Well...

Back.

It's been a while hasn't it?
It's been like 3 years since I last posted.
Things definitely have changed.

For instance I'm in my third year in SP.
Well at least in a week's time.
Last semester before 6 months internship.
Totally new class for the following reason:

I've become much weaker than before. 
That's depressing HAHA.
Anyway I'm trying to recover well. 
It's been one terrible experience.

Besides that I'm trying to start everything fresh.
And that also means I'm trying to erase myself.
From individuals. 
I think I'm tired of letting myself down.
And others as well. 

I know myself well. I can never commit.
To anything or anyone. I just can't.
For instance.
I never believed in best friends.
Because in my case they'll always walk.
Not because the problem lies with them.
It lies with me.

So I think I'm content not being anyone's important person.
And I think it makes me feel better even.
At the end of the day.
I know the only person I can commit to,
Is myself. And probably that's it.

Yes, even I find myself selfish. 
But I just can't be someone I'm not.
Any longer. It's tiring.
Trying to please others. 
And I understand why one of my friends always decide to go solo.

Perhaps I can learn from her. 
And save myself from this shit called Life.
And stop complicating situations. 

Anyway I'll try blogging again. 
Or bail out as always.
Who reads this anyway. 
Me duh. 

For Now.

Faithful.

Haven't been blogging since September!
Anyway I'm back.
And I'm close to my sweet Sixteenth birthday soon.
And bloody O's.


Damn.
Anyway I've been to Korea
(WHICH WAS AWESOME.)
And Hong Kong for the second half of
Last year.
Sigh. Now time to work REALLY hard.


I envy all my seniors now...
I want to drop A maths.
But I can't bring myself to say it.
SIGH.


But hey!
I promised myself to be an optimist this year.
And I really want to acheive that.


Seeing all my friends having boy troubles.
It worries me.
I'm glad I don't have that.


Bet no one's going to read this dead blog.
Except me of course.


I'm going to work hard for O's.
And I am going to be successful.
I know I can.
And I know I will.


Falling Clovers.

Over.


AH. YOG's over.
That's sad.
But at least I saw Thomas Daley live.
OMFG. HE'S HOT.


Okay. Enough about that.
I was also really lucky enough
To go to Universal Studios on Wednesday.
Since Janziel could not go
For the YOG Workforce Appreciation Party.
OMG IT WAS AWESOME!
Especially the Mummy Returns ride.
THANKS JANZIEL!
Hope you like The Last Olympian.


Anyway.
COUNCIL IS GOING TO HONG KONG!
HOW COOL IS THAT?!
GOING OVERSEAS TWICE A YEAR!
OMG.


That means I have to work hard
For EOY.
DAMN. I'm scared.


Okay.
There's like this stupid rumor
Going around.
And DAMN IT.
I don't look good with him.
And I don't like him.


Besides. I'm not in that position to.
Ah. Man.
I'm screwed for EOY.


AH. Look on the bright side.
I'm gonna book tickets to go to
Universal Studios after exams.
Gonna go with friends!
It is, after all,
The only time to relax before
O Levels come knocking
On my door.


Time passes so quickly eh?


I wonder...