Monday, April 14, 2014


I did say I'll address it.
Yes I'm alone.
Not surprising anyway.

I guess my priorities now isn't getting a partner.
I feel it isn't a necessity to have one. 
But rather a want these days.
I can't say I have experience.
Hence I can't give the best advice to others.
But I've seen so many, heard so many.
I know a couple of things of my own.

At this stage, people my age.
We say we're serious about things. 
But really, we're just trying. 
We're in the midst of ending our teenage years.
And entering the uncharted territories of adulthood.
We're not certain about anything. 
Because we're in the trial period of life.
How can we say for sure we're serious?
How can we promise that he/she is the only one?

Like I said, we're uncertain.
Promises made will be promises broken.

And of course, perhaps wanting a relationship.
Is not what it seem.
Unknowingly it's a trophy we want.
Because in this day and age, 
We instagram, we tweet, we post.
Everyone else has a picture of a significant other.
Everyone else has someone to listen to.
Everyone else isn't alone.

And so people scramble.
Without really knowing each other.
And perhaps some attraction and infatuation.
They get into a relationship.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm in a westernized but still very much Asian city.
We have a similar generalized system.

Here, we don't exactly date.
We text, we flirt, we go out.
But that's not dating. We usually know the other.
And I wouldn't call it in a friend zone either. 
But once there's infatuation, 
Relationship status update.

Then honeymoon phase comes.
The phase with excessive emojis.
Yeah. The excessive texts comes with it too. 
Infatuation is still going strong. 
And time is mostly spent on each other.

Soon arrives the trying times of the couple.
The relationship starts to slow down a bit.
And more space is given between each other.
And what I mean by space is,
Spending time away from each other,
With other people.
Bros, friends whatever.

And tolerance is here!
They learn things about each other.
Good and usually the bad.
And infatuation fades into what I call tolerance.

Some may stay that way. Some may grow stronger.
But sometimes, we know it ends.
Because the patience test begins.
Where jealously can be alive and kicking.
Sometimes literally.
And arguments happen.

Eventually the fine line wears off.
And they could go back to tolerating each other.
With a bit of time off.
Or they could never go back again.

Sometimes. I feel like this whole relationship thing.
Is like a tolerance and patience test.
And I never call it love. Because from what I see usually,
It's infatuation, then patience.
Love is a rarity. Even if spoken or written many times.
Or I like to picture it as this.
Like we have skinny and curvy and fit bodies.
And then we have the photoshopped/plastic so called perfect body.
With all three of the characteristics.
It can also be natural. But we all know it's rare.

I'll like to think love is that. The so called perfection we want.
And what some people think they have. 
And what some people think they need. 
Something that is hard to achieve.

And this is part of the reason why I have commitment issues.
I have liked people enough to know a fair share.
And because the above content is my belief,
I lost it. I couldn't like someone like how they felt about me.
It wasn't because of the lack of feelings.
It was because of the lack of shared mentality.

You can say my mentality can be changed.
As I mature.
But what if it stuck with you all along. 
Even in childhood?
Maybe you wouldn't have much to say would you?

Because at the end of the day, it's perspective.
It's experience.
It's memories.
That build our mentality this way.
And that's how I was built that way. 
Cold and stubborn.
Cynical to anyone who tells me their love story.

But I wouldn't rule love out.
In my opinion, the person I will love,
And love me,
Will either change my mentality,
Or share my mentality.
It'll be extremely rare. 

So I'm staying alone for now.
Because I'm a stubborn, cold soul.
But a delicate heart.
And because it is not necessary,
Not a given rule,
Not a must,
That I need a partner to live a good life.

Because *I* live my life.
And I want to live differently for now.

Is not needed.

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